Gay Men & Body Image

Role of Heterosexism and Homophobia

Stigma and shame from homophobic myths and stereotypes (e.g. sissy, gay sex as dirty/disgusting) are internalized by all children. Gay men often grow up believing themselves to be flawed, undesirable, unattractive and/or ugly. Body image issues represent a typical battlefield where self-esteem issues are fought against the original homophobic injury and ongoing cultural oppression. We receive constant negative reinforcement from society that there is something wrong with us and, if left unchecked, this attack on our selves can lead us to be hypersensitive to every perceived flaw in our physical selves.

Beauty vs. Attractiveness

Beauty is defined here as a purely aesthetic appreciation of physical appearance that is largely culturally defined. It is primarily visual in orientation and it conveys status or lack of status in society. The traditional masculine ideal may lead one to devalue themselves as not measuring up.

Attractiveness is defined as a more inclusive and holistic sense of one's external and internal sense of being desirable. It involves all of our senses, not just visual perception. Thus, smell, taste, touch and hearing are valued in new ways. One can smell Good! Taste Great! Feel hot! Sound sexy! This also introduces an interpersonal component: Someone can behave in a sexy manner or share desired sexual fantasies (Romantic fireside chats with tender love making; sex fights for top). The notion of attractiveness also takes into consideration that different people have different desires, fantasies, and notions of what is sexy. ( hairy chest, handsome eyes, ornery sparkle in his eyes, sexy smile, romantic intellect, sense of humor, sexy dancer, etc...). Let it be known! A man may be gorgeous and still not be sexy! Or, may be gorgeous and sexy, but be so self-absorbed that he makes a horrible lover.

Physical Self vs. Animate Self

So, our attractiveness often has more to do with the personality that animates our bodies. If we believe we are attractive, we feel and behave in ways that make us attractive to others. And in turn we receive positive feedback and reinforcement about our attractiveness. If we believe we are unattractive, we set up a SELF-FULFILLING PROPHESY. We feel and behave in unattractive ways. Our energy levels decrease. Shoulders slump. No one gets to see inside to the intellect or the sense of humor. People may even tell us what they find attractive about us, but we tend not to believe them and even block off or reject any future compliments by not saying thanks or staring at our shoes. Thus, we begin to receive negative reinforcement about ourselves.

Healing Process

Insight lays the foundation for emotional healing and change. How has homophobia and heterosexism affected your self-esteem? What messages have you received about your sexual orientation? About your body? What negative messages have you been telling yourself? Do you behave in ways socially that prevents others from approaching you? What do you do to block or reject other's attempts to value your attractiveness?

Conscious Behavioral Change must flow from our insight. We must learn how to value and accept the positive feedback we receive from friends and lovers. We must remain aware of ways we reject or block off positive reinforcement. We need to learn how to stop saying negative things about ourselves and only say positive things.

Feedback: Do you really know what other people find attractive about you? Ask your friends. There will be things you are not even aware of that others find attractive. Aspects of you that you consider flaws might actually be turn-ons for others. The way the hair runs from your navel down into your pubic hair. Your love handles are a turn on to those who like their men to have a little meat on their bones! Learn to appreciate various parts of your body and be sure to collect feedback on what animates that body too! Ask about personality traits! Ask what is sexy about you!

Mirror Exercise: Stand in front of a full-length mirror naked. Take a second look at those things your friends have mentioned. Try to look at yourself through their eyes. Remind yourself these things about you TURN PEOPLE ON! Now, look at those things you like about yourself and say it out loud. As you begin to feel more comfortable with saying AND hearing positive feedback about yourself you will begin to behave in more self-confident ways. These new behaviors will inspire new reactions from people around you. Your energy improves. Your sense of humor peeks out. People begin to get a glimpse of the REAL you.

Community: We need to learn how to value each other as a community and openly share our positive reactions with each other. We need to remember negative comments have more power to hurt than positive comments have to heal. And, when we tear each other down, we are siding with the forces of homophobia and heterosexism. Why do we as a community not provide more positive feedback for each other?

• As men we were socialized to be competitive and to win. Thus, we can have the tendency to play one-upmanship games. Winning feels good, but winning means someone has to lose.
• Envy & Jealousy - Misery Loves Company! So those with poor self -esteems can sometimes try to drag us down as well.
• A come on versus a compliment. We hold back compliments for fear that another might think we are hitting on them and reject us.
• The tendency to tear down those whom we fear will reject us.
• Bar attitude. Throwing attitude as a defense against fear of rejection. Attitude in turn interpreted as arrogance. Who would approach you now?

© 2003 Ken Voorhees